The weightloss Journey revisted...

Disclaimer: Just so we're clear, I don't care what people choose for themselves. You can be thin, plump, cushiony, whatever terms are used for people on either end of the physical spectrum.  This blog is about my own personal journey and the choices I had to make and the choices I was forced to make.

A year ago I began a journey that required me to dig deep and hold fast to a belief that I could get to where I wanted to be physically.  In a healthy body, mind and spiritually aesthetic state.  No no, I am not going to preach about how being fat makes you the devil, or only thin people go to heaven. LOL!  I mean a spiritual state where everything around you makes sense, looks beautiful and requires no judgment, because I am content with myself and who I am.

As many of you know, I was born with Tetralogy of Fallot.  Due to this birth defect, I had to have what my mom would later tell me was life saving heart surgery at three years old, because waiting until five, well, I might not have made it.  Needless to say, she hovered like a trench coat on a stormy day and watched everything I did carefully while I was growing up. I even had to ask if I could have a soda or a candy bar (if she was around), up until high school.  That is when the slippery slope began.  Armed with peer pressure, judgmental peers and vending machines with anything and everything, this once skinny and insecure girl, found that every little comment mattered.

When an Aunty told me that she was happy to see me putting on weight, (it wasn't my fault, I had a fabulous metabolism) and that I wasn't rail thin anymore, I took it the wrong way and began the even slipperier slope, *music* dun dun dun.....dieting.  Yep, that's what does many people in, in my opinion. Screwing with your body for a quick fix.  Fat, tall, thin, small, I think everyone is beautiful.  I just need to be kind to my heart and that meant getting healthy.

In the tradition of many people, I began to eat horribly after a boyfriend would break-up with me.  They tell you that you are their world, you believe, then they either cheat on you, or break-up with you.  Don't fret boys, I know girls do it to, this is just my story and what has happened to me.  I have only broken up with one man and that was for a myriad of reasons that could have sent me into a downward spiral. I did okay, at first, until I found out that because I didn't tell him I was moving in with a friend and her husband, he thought I had been cheating on him.  Emotionally that wrecked me and I ate, slowly, but surely, packing on the pounds.  Why?  Because I had given that relationship everything I had, so his thought process was like a knife to my heart.  (I know, so dramatic...so Scarlett O'Hara. lol!  I was younger then.  *shrugs*). 

After while it just became harder.  Five pounds led to ten, ten to twenty.  It's a reasonable amount to lose, unless you are, as mentioned before, insecure about yourself, and I was increasingly so.  My parents always told me I was pretty, but I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18 and out of high school. I felt like a social failure in that department and of course, once I put on even more weight, because I was depressed with my new, expanding figure, I ate more.  Emotional eating, don't do it. That should be a PSA.  Some don't believe it is real, but it is.  It's a void filler. A momentary comfort to replace or hide whatever you're dealing with in that moment.  Another slippery slope.

There are reasons behind my behavior, but they're not important, what is important is that in order for me to succeed at weightloss, I had to take the reins of my carriage and drive it myself.  Not the depression I had slipped into, or the negative things I would hear complete strangers say, when out with friends, I had to take control of my life and I decided to do so.

As mentioned in previous blogs and the main reason I started the Journey blog posts, I began the weightloss preliminaries in June at my mom's prompting.  She had been diagnosed with Cancer the month before and, I believe now, terminal from the word go.  I started it for her, but found on the way that I could be emotional and not eat.  I learned my new mantra that popped in my head one day, "feel the emotion, don't feed the emotion," and wrote it down to remind myself that it is okay to cry, or be angry, or just release whatever it is you are feeling, including happiness, because YES! I eat when I am happy too! *facepalm*  Excellent at burying my feelings, for awhile, like a shaken bottle, they do  burst out, so if you have the ickies, don't hang on to them. Even if you need to slip into the bathroom, or a quiet room, let it flow forth.  Admittedly on the day my mom died, we were right in the middle of the four month program. I caved and ate, but to my surprise, I didn't eat like I wanted to. I had a little salad, a chicken strip and a few French fries. Yes, the fries were bad, but it wasn't a full blown meal.  I was well on my way to success and taking important notes along the way.

Now, as many of us know, success doesn't happen overnight. Neither does weightloss, but the journey can be a remarkable one if you let it.  Off my program since November, it dumped us right at the holidays (yikes!), I have been a little bouncy in my weight, but never the less, still succeeding with eating better and yes, exercising.  It's amazing how soul cleansing an early morning or late evening walk can be. 

Last month, one of my best friends, who was like a sister to me passed away from breast cancer.  I had now lost two very significant people in my life in less than a year to a horrid disease, but I didn't succumb to full blown emotional eating.  I allowed myself the ickies and when that didn't work, I allowed myself to fall off the wagon for a day and just let myself go.  Unfortunately, and honestly, for me, this was not a good decision, as I almost gave up the reins to my wagon. 

Reeling from yet another significant loss in my life, I was thinking a few days ago that this is it.  I have the opportunity to be healthy and to be the master of my own universe.  I want the wonderful things in life, I want my dreams to come true, a successful writing career, a family of my own, etc., but that aside, and more importantly, I am seeing who I am now.  I am a person who is passionate about my interests, willing to try new things and who wants to be happy.  If you believe, anything is possible.

Yesterday I got back on track and this morning my best friend sent the attached picture.  He had found it last week and said that when he thought I needed it the most, he would send it to me.  It was a wake-up call to how far I had come and quite the motivational tool as well.  I am still on my journey, but I realized how much my hard work and determination has paid off. 


I had bloomed, a little too well, physically, but somewhere in that haze of eating and being down on myself, I found ways to be happy and now that I am releasing all of this weight out into the far reaches of space, where it can no longer touch me, I find I am blossoming as a person.  Sissy Jo once told me years ago, "Shell, it doesn't matter how much weight you lose, you have to be happy with you on the inside, before you can be happy with you on the outside."  I have never forgotten those words. Despite the picture on the left below, my smile had become genuine, it had found a place in my life along with finding happiness in the things around me.

Everyone has a light, so let yours shine.  I wrote this blog, because for years, I felt alone and didn't think people's weightloss struggles were like mine...but they are, we just handle them differently.  No matter what got us to that point, the journey back is the hardest and having love and support from those you trust, can make a great difference.  Never judge a book by it's cover, because the story inside, could be your own.

Until the next time....be yourself. love yourself.  enjoy yourself...because this will allow others to love and enjoy you too. <3

Yes, that is my phone in my hand, but for good reason. I had to find my dad, who came to support me and my coach, after the race...oh and I thought I might take a picture or two along the route, but I didn't.  You can't take the photo taking out of the photographer, except on maybe this day. ha!

Rolling with the tide....

I have been told in recent months that I should just learn to "go with the flow", and let life spill out before me the way it is supposed to.  I know in life we can't control anything, but what we do in each moment.  We can send things out to God, or the Universe, or whatever one's beliefs might be, but even then you have to have faith and believe.  And I try.

I am sending this blog through 'The Journey' posting, as opposed to my Capricorn Tales, because I feel like the last year has been a journey and a half.  I have touched on death in my life, my weight loss journey and the steps my father has taken to make himself happy.  What I don't think I ever did was let any of it go in the process.

My cousin told me that blogging my emotions might be best for me.  Why I don't know.  I tweet the hell out of my day, but truly I can be a very private person, sending out cryptic messages to the one person that reads my tweets...me.  I think it is something of a *if you could shake some sense into yourself* move, but until this moment, I don't think I ever truly understood that.

I began this blog a year ago to document my journey through the Optifast program.  Some read it and contacted me on the side to offer encouragement, and in return needing some for themselves.  I had been thin up until my late twenties, when after another bad relationship fail/break-up, with the man I thought was the one, I began to hide myself behind the eating. 

For someone who had open heart surgery at three years old, this was the ultimate no-no.  As of my last Doctor's appointment, my heart is still fine and beating like a champion, but of course it was years of battle rounds with my doctor who finally told me, "Keep chipping away at the weight, so a doctor (surgeon) won't have to chip away at you."  I am in no way becoming a health nut, just a healthier nut (LOL), but I also steer clear of fast food for every meal.  Emotional Eating...the ultimate DON'T!  Yeah, that last sentence makes sense to me.

The program was a test of wills and I don't just say that because, as I mentioned, I am an emotional eater, but also because when I finally decided to do it, it was after my mama was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.  She told me, "babe, if you don't do it now, you will never do it", so I did it and we traveled a path together that not only made me face my emotional eating dilemma, but also gave me a small perspective on what she had to deal with.  In a nutshell, the pain caused her to lose her appetite and this was a woman who liked a good meal. Seafood, steaks, anything with flavor. As for me, it was shakes, soups and a protein bar.  There were times when we would both get a chuckle out of a commercial and all you could hear in the living room was, "That looks good".  Those were the nights I would return to my hometown and give my dad some caregiver relief on the weekends. I will never be able to stop saying what an angel he in mom's last months of life. It was true testament to their love and long marriage.

Those were tender moments with mama, moments, I will always cherish.  I had always hoped she would be around when I published my first book, but one night as we spent two hours saying everything, she willed to me her strength to get through life and to make sure everyone else did too.  I wear my heart on my sleeve on Twitter, because about 1% of my followers actually knows me.  Sometimes it's just a place to vent, so I can be strong for everyone else.  I don't see my problems as being any greater than someone else's, no matter how small it might seem to someone.  Each problem is relative and a stone to learning something new.

In September we lost my mom, after a four month, excruciatingly painful, progression of her cancer.  A cancer that is hard to diagnose, or identify from regular tests. I can say with 99% certainty that she was diagnosed at the terminal stage.  Sissy Jo constantly tried to offer encouragement.  A cancer survivor herself, she too was in the battle for her life, having been diagnosed again, 6 years earlier with stage 4 breast cancer, that she was still bravely fighting.  It is no secret that mom's passing left a void in so many more people than just dad, myself and mom's siblings. She is still greatly missed, but I suppose for dad and I, she always will be.

Several months later, my dad decided to try online dating...okay, five months later. It didn't matter to me. He was lonely and I think he was just looking for a friend.  I am not sure how this relationship will turn out, but I do think my mama had a hand in it. She told me before she passed, to make sure dad didn't stop living, that he deserved to be happy too.  While I like the woman he is dating, this too was an emotional upheaval in my life, just as I was wrapping my head around mama's passing.  It was just another reminder that she was gone, but on the other hand, it was nice to see dad happy again.  He sometimes seems like a teenage boy, even asking me for advice, which cracks me up.  I guess being single gives you a better perspective into people's lives? A less biased perspective? I don't know, but at times I feel like the advice guru. haha!

I was happy for dad from the word go.  What makes him happy, makes me happy and like I said, she is nice, so that helps immensely.  What it boils down to is this, I can't bring my mom back, so you have to move forward.  For me it also meant pushing through my own feelings about seeing him with another woman.  That was new for both of us, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

Around that time Sissy Jo and I had also decided to grow our hair back together.  She had lost hers due to radiation treatment, so I cut mine to not only show support, but to show her I would do anything for her.  Like Sis Laura, she's a soul sister and even though she and I could fight a good fight, there was never any doubt we would step in front of a bus to save the other.  What I didn't know was that in less than six months, she too would be gone. Mama at 66, sissy Jo, 46. 

I will be eternally grateful that I was able to spend her last night with her, having gone over to help out, because she was still weak from a very long hospital stay.  We laughed, we giggled, we got serious when she predicted my future of a husband and a baby and a successful writing career.  It was serious, because those were her dreams for me.  I simply replied, "My dream for you, is to finally go into remission, so you can just keep having fun and be with the man of your dreams."  The next morning I hugged her goodbye, told her "I love you sissy, see you later," and found out five hours later she had passed. 
If a memory can be a prize, then that is one of my prized possessions, spending her last night on this earth with her.  That was June 29th and though it's only been three weeks, my heart still aches for her and my mama and it hurts even more when I think about all the people that feel so empty and lost without their presence.  I hope one day when it is my time to leave this earth, I have done enough good to warrant those feelings as well.  The emptiness we feel is a true testament to their souls and how they lived their lives, with love and passion put into everything they did.

In the interim and certainly not to be forgotten, was Aunty Patsy, a close family friend, passing two days before Thanksgiving, and cousin, AJ.  I didn't see AJ much in my adult life, but to know he had a wife and kids, made the ache that much more real. 
I think about all of these people who have lost their battles to something so horrid and damaging to everyone affected by it and those who love them and I think about how hard they fought.  My mama tried, but the pain was just too much, but she made her peace with everyone and the world and I truly believe she chose her time to go. 

I am not sure if I have much more to add, or if perhaps this is everything left inside of me that I needed to release to feel a little bit more in touch with my emotions.  I cry.  I get angry. I am sometimes sad, but I try to replace those moments with the thoughts of my mama and sissy who were often there when I felt like life would never begin for me.  Sis Laura and my cousin Marie, two people I adore and cherish as sisters, have been two of my rocks, since I don't choose to talk to many people about these things, especially my dad, since I know he misses my mom too. 
These feelings seem too private to share and I am only doing it now, because my cousin Marie believes it will help me find closure.  I don't like things being about me, good or bad (especially not bad. haha).  These are feelings that are close to my heart, but I hope perhaps, if one person reads this, they will know they are not alone and that it is okay to cry, or be sad, or wonder why? and most importantly, open up and share with someone, even if just writing to a bunch of strangers.  This is life and this is how we, as humans, deal with each passing moment that life hands us, good, bad or indifferent.

Emotions can be tricky, but if you don't hold them inside and you allow people to help you through them, I think it might allow for the healing, in any troubling situation, and the happiness will return.

As Lord Byron once said, "No wound ever healed without a scar", so true, but then at some point scars become reminders and it is up to choose whether or not we want it to be an ugly scar, or a one filled with memories of people we have loved so dearly.

Thank you for your patience with this long post and well, just thank you for "listening". 
Live, love and laugh.  It's the best medicine.
Until the next time...hang in there, you are not alone.