Rolling with the tide....

I have been told in recent months that I should just learn to "go with the flow", and let life spill out before me the way it is supposed to.  I know in life we can't control anything, but what we do in each moment.  We can send things out to God, or the Universe, or whatever one's beliefs might be, but even then you have to have faith and believe.  And I try.

I am sending this blog through 'The Journey' posting, as opposed to my Capricorn Tales, because I feel like the last year has been a journey and a half.  I have touched on death in my life, my weight loss journey and the steps my father has taken to make himself happy.  What I don't think I ever did was let any of it go in the process.

My cousin told me that blogging my emotions might be best for me.  Why I don't know.  I tweet the hell out of my day, but truly I can be a very private person, sending out cryptic messages to the one person that reads my tweets...me.  I think it is something of a *if you could shake some sense into yourself* move, but until this moment, I don't think I ever truly understood that.

I began this blog a year ago to document my journey through the Optifast program.  Some read it and contacted me on the side to offer encouragement, and in return needing some for themselves.  I had been thin up until my late twenties, when after another bad relationship fail/break-up, with the man I thought was the one, I began to hide myself behind the eating. 

For someone who had open heart surgery at three years old, this was the ultimate no-no.  As of my last Doctor's appointment, my heart is still fine and beating like a champion, but of course it was years of battle rounds with my doctor who finally told me, "Keep chipping away at the weight, so a doctor (surgeon) won't have to chip away at you."  I am in no way becoming a health nut, just a healthier nut (LOL), but I also steer clear of fast food for every meal.  Emotional Eating...the ultimate DON'T!  Yeah, that last sentence makes sense to me.

The program was a test of wills and I don't just say that because, as I mentioned, I am an emotional eater, but also because when I finally decided to do it, it was after my mama was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.  She told me, "babe, if you don't do it now, you will never do it", so I did it and we traveled a path together that not only made me face my emotional eating dilemma, but also gave me a small perspective on what she had to deal with.  In a nutshell, the pain caused her to lose her appetite and this was a woman who liked a good meal. Seafood, steaks, anything with flavor. As for me, it was shakes, soups and a protein bar.  There were times when we would both get a chuckle out of a commercial and all you could hear in the living room was, "That looks good".  Those were the nights I would return to my hometown and give my dad some caregiver relief on the weekends. I will never be able to stop saying what an angel he in mom's last months of life. It was true testament to their love and long marriage.

Those were tender moments with mama, moments, I will always cherish.  I had always hoped she would be around when I published my first book, but one night as we spent two hours saying everything, she willed to me her strength to get through life and to make sure everyone else did too.  I wear my heart on my sleeve on Twitter, because about 1% of my followers actually knows me.  Sometimes it's just a place to vent, so I can be strong for everyone else.  I don't see my problems as being any greater than someone else's, no matter how small it might seem to someone.  Each problem is relative and a stone to learning something new.

In September we lost my mom, after a four month, excruciatingly painful, progression of her cancer.  A cancer that is hard to diagnose, or identify from regular tests. I can say with 99% certainty that she was diagnosed at the terminal stage.  Sissy Jo constantly tried to offer encouragement.  A cancer survivor herself, she too was in the battle for her life, having been diagnosed again, 6 years earlier with stage 4 breast cancer, that she was still bravely fighting.  It is no secret that mom's passing left a void in so many more people than just dad, myself and mom's siblings. She is still greatly missed, but I suppose for dad and I, she always will be.

Several months later, my dad decided to try online dating...okay, five months later. It didn't matter to me. He was lonely and I think he was just looking for a friend.  I am not sure how this relationship will turn out, but I do think my mama had a hand in it. She told me before she passed, to make sure dad didn't stop living, that he deserved to be happy too.  While I like the woman he is dating, this too was an emotional upheaval in my life, just as I was wrapping my head around mama's passing.  It was just another reminder that she was gone, but on the other hand, it was nice to see dad happy again.  He sometimes seems like a teenage boy, even asking me for advice, which cracks me up.  I guess being single gives you a better perspective into people's lives? A less biased perspective? I don't know, but at times I feel like the advice guru. haha!

I was happy for dad from the word go.  What makes him happy, makes me happy and like I said, she is nice, so that helps immensely.  What it boils down to is this, I can't bring my mom back, so you have to move forward.  For me it also meant pushing through my own feelings about seeing him with another woman.  That was new for both of us, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

Around that time Sissy Jo and I had also decided to grow our hair back together.  She had lost hers due to radiation treatment, so I cut mine to not only show support, but to show her I would do anything for her.  Like Sis Laura, she's a soul sister and even though she and I could fight a good fight, there was never any doubt we would step in front of a bus to save the other.  What I didn't know was that in less than six months, she too would be gone. Mama at 66, sissy Jo, 46. 

I will be eternally grateful that I was able to spend her last night with her, having gone over to help out, because she was still weak from a very long hospital stay.  We laughed, we giggled, we got serious when she predicted my future of a husband and a baby and a successful writing career.  It was serious, because those were her dreams for me.  I simply replied, "My dream for you, is to finally go into remission, so you can just keep having fun and be with the man of your dreams."  The next morning I hugged her goodbye, told her "I love you sissy, see you later," and found out five hours later she had passed. 
If a memory can be a prize, then that is one of my prized possessions, spending her last night on this earth with her.  That was June 29th and though it's only been three weeks, my heart still aches for her and my mama and it hurts even more when I think about all the people that feel so empty and lost without their presence.  I hope one day when it is my time to leave this earth, I have done enough good to warrant those feelings as well.  The emptiness we feel is a true testament to their souls and how they lived their lives, with love and passion put into everything they did.

In the interim and certainly not to be forgotten, was Aunty Patsy, a close family friend, passing two days before Thanksgiving, and cousin, AJ.  I didn't see AJ much in my adult life, but to know he had a wife and kids, made the ache that much more real. 
I think about all of these people who have lost their battles to something so horrid and damaging to everyone affected by it and those who love them and I think about how hard they fought.  My mama tried, but the pain was just too much, but she made her peace with everyone and the world and I truly believe she chose her time to go. 

I am not sure if I have much more to add, or if perhaps this is everything left inside of me that I needed to release to feel a little bit more in touch with my emotions.  I cry.  I get angry. I am sometimes sad, but I try to replace those moments with the thoughts of my mama and sissy who were often there when I felt like life would never begin for me.  Sis Laura and my cousin Marie, two people I adore and cherish as sisters, have been two of my rocks, since I don't choose to talk to many people about these things, especially my dad, since I know he misses my mom too. 
These feelings seem too private to share and I am only doing it now, because my cousin Marie believes it will help me find closure.  I don't like things being about me, good or bad (especially not bad. haha).  These are feelings that are close to my heart, but I hope perhaps, if one person reads this, they will know they are not alone and that it is okay to cry, or be sad, or wonder why? and most importantly, open up and share with someone, even if just writing to a bunch of strangers.  This is life and this is how we, as humans, deal with each passing moment that life hands us, good, bad or indifferent.

Emotions can be tricky, but if you don't hold them inside and you allow people to help you through them, I think it might allow for the healing, in any troubling situation, and the happiness will return.

As Lord Byron once said, "No wound ever healed without a scar", so true, but then at some point scars become reminders and it is up to choose whether or not we want it to be an ugly scar, or a one filled with memories of people we have loved so dearly.

Thank you for your patience with this long post and well, just thank you for "listening". 
Live, love and laugh.  It's the best medicine.
Until the next time...hang in there, you are not alone.