I am finished with day three and I swear I thought I wasn't going to make it through day two, let alone today. The hardest thing is seeing the food lying around the house, but also the smell of food, which is really what gets my taste buds going. I am not necessarily a foodie, but I do love food and I love good food and food that tastes as delicious as it smells. I have to admit, going from how ever many "gajillions" of calories a day that I was eating to just 800 a day has been close to insane for me and I literally mean mentally exhausting. I feel like I am losing my mind and my cool, as my body adjusts to this new "diet", though I am reluctant to call it that, I prefer lifestyle change. As the quote said the other day, I don't plan on finding the weight after I lose it.
I have allowed myself to get to this point by emotionally eating, not paying attention to my health, not exercising, etc., but I know I am not at a point of no return, no one is. I know I can do this, I know that even though these last few days have been a struggle, that the end result will be worth it. I sometimes think of my mom who is battling Pancreatic cancer and strangely I draw strength from her, because it's not comfortable for her do so, but she pushes through and tries, since the tumor is in a position that makes it uncomfortable for her to digest. I suspect it will also be some time before her taste buds begin cooperating with her, since she just finished round 2 of chemo, but I also want to give her one less thing to worry about and since I am a woman, who had heart surgery as a child, I am also doing this for her, aside from myself.
I survived today, as dramatic as that sounds, but I did. I went to the movies with Troy and Jason and while they munched on Popcorn, soda's, candy and Hot Dogs, I ate my Optifast Peanut Bar and drank my Tazo Tea. I am a sucker for popcorn, but I made it. I didn't think about it and I was okay. It was hard at first, but I did it. Tomorrow Sis Laura and I are going to Del Mar to attend the races with Dad. It'll be weird not seeing mom there, but I know she has to get better.
I know tests will come and go and I will face them like I do everything else, with strength and courage. It seems silly and dramatic, but this is a new feeling for me, a dawn of a new era for me. I am 41 years old and I feel like for once I am finally taking control of my life and for the better. I want to be a part of the world again. I left it fourteen years ago when I broke up with my last boyfriend and since then I have hidden behind food and sadness and depression, holed up in an invisible room afraid to let anyone in. I miss companionship. I miss being held by a man. I miss kissing and cuddling and dates and so on and while I know that people of many shapes and sizes can find significant others, my inability to appreciate myself has kept me from this. Not just because of my weight, that was just a factor I used to hide from the world, or more appropriately, an excuse I used. Many things have kept me from the world, but like many who "fast" to find spiritual awareness, perhaps this journey to help my heart and myself get into a better place, will also help my mind and my soul get there too.
That's why this is a journey and it's one that I think will push me to the brink of finally having no other choice but to learn how to finally love myself for who I am and all I can be and for all I already am.
I've got this.
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