Well hello again! Sorry it has been so long between posts, a lot has happened since I last wrote. Life can sometimes be like one big catch 22 can't it? I think I might have finally broken the cycle of emotional eating, but sadly the discovery came at the expense of some extremely emotionally, heart ripping news. In my last post I wrote about my mom's Pancreatic cancer. I do apologize for being so candid about that, since this is a blog about my weight loss journey, but somehow I think for me, it all ties in together...my emotions and eating that is. Well, long story short, last Wednesday on my way to class my mom called me and told me that she had made the decision to discontinue all forms of treatment for her cancer. She's just too tired and too weak.
My father and I disagreed with her decision, but then again, she's my mom and like dad, I don't want to let her go, but I know we can't force her to live in a body that is not cooperating with her, so short of a miracle, it's just a waiting game now for my wonderful parents and myself.
So where did that breakthrough come in, you ask? Well, all of my life I have fed my emotions, usually to the point of a 'food coma' and then falling asleep. While I was driving and listening to my mom tell me what she had decided, I passed three or four fast food places and even though I am on my diet, I thought, nope, don't want it. I know I could have cheated, who would have known, but it's not because I was on my diet that I didn't cheat, it's because for the first time in all of my life, I allowed myself to "feel the emotion, not feed the emotion", as my new saying I coined two weeks ago says and for the first time in my life and like many people do, I lost my appetite for anything, for about two days...literally needing to force my five supplements on me...and I cried. I told her I understood and while I didn't like it, I accepted her decision because she needs to do what is best for her, but it doesn't mean I didn't feel the heartbreak, because I did. I still do...she's my mom.
I have to tell you, it's an interesting feeling, this feeling. I thought I knew what it was like, but it is different when you're not feeding the anger, or the sadness, or the happiness. There is so much more power to that emotion than I ever thought and yet, when it is finally released for that moment, there also seems to be that much more completion in that moment. These are my own steps and feelings of course, since I don't know how everyone else feels about it, but it's how I feel and of course, this is my journey, but if one person reads this that has my same exact problem, then I hope it helps that one person, because, feeding my problems and masking them behind food, is what got me to the weight I was at before I began this weight loss program and this journey. It's been an interesting one and not always easy, but it's been an eye opener and a soul searching one as well.
I'm not sure what the next entry will bring, but for now, I've still got this...
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